First time moms-to-be face many questions regarding their pregnancies. A few classics are: How will I cope with morning sickness? What if something happens to me or my baby? Is it actually physically possible to drink enough water? And then there is the question a pregnant woman asks herself each and every day:
What in the hell am I going to wear?
The second trimester usually marks the point where a radiant mother moves into a period where none of her old stuff fits, yet she’s still too small for actual maternity wear. A mom-to-be might try to plan ahead for this period (as I did) by buying several pairs of pants one to two sizes larger than normal. However, she will find that these new additions only stretch so far (pardon the pun), and she’s still left standing in front of her closet wondering aloud what combinations will fit over her swollen abdomen that day. Personally, I often dipped in to my big shapeless dress collection left over from my theatre-student college days, telling myself that since I used to wear it with combat boots when I was 20, it didn’t count as a muumuu.
My focus on clothing piqued my curiosity on a related topic. I asked myself, if someone like me - who enjoys looking nice but only if it means investing a minimum of time, effort, and money - could spend up to 30 minutes at a time simply choosing an outfit, what on earth did the high-maintenance ladies do?
I’m not referring to the wealthy, or those gals who favor the latest designer wear. There are plenty of high-end maternity boutiques to accommodate fashion mavens with lavishly disposable incomes. I’m talking about the woman who pairs her sexiest shoes with her tightest, most boob-or-navel-baring tops. The woman who invests in tanning products in the middle of a Midwestern winter and who keeps her travel make-up in a tackle box. The woman who exudes the fashion sense of a rock star and the intelligence of a playmate (maybe she’s got a law degree, but when she is photographed straddling something while naked, no one is thinking “wow! look at her brains”).
I had to wonder, when pregnant, what on earth did the skank-hos wear? If I was a skank, where would I find appropriately revealing clothes for that special time in my life?
Well, I’ve given this matter some thought, and have reached a few solutions. So I am now proud to share this list - the Skank-ho’s Guide to Maternity Wear. These are my thoughts on finding the best outfits for a ho’s pregnant body; clothes not only fit, but also proudly proclaim “look at me! I’m a ho!”
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The Skank Ho’s Guide to Maternity Wear
First off, I am going to introduce my list with a few words to those preggie skank-hos out there, them fine-looking bitches who got knocked up. Regarding your wardrobe - the good news is that most of you will be able to slide in to your normal attire until about month four. Although I do suggest either trading in your wonderbra for something more industrial – or becoming real fond of boob-tape. I know it isn’t sexxxy, but I promise you’ll feel better if your girls are snug and comfy, as opposed to spilling out and hanging down to your knees.
So, that only leaves you with five months of wardrobe changes to deal with. That’s just about a season and a half, depending on where you live. It may seem like a big investment, but as long as you know your particular flava of skanky style you’ll soon see that a few key purchases will take you a long way. Follow these tips, and I bet you’ll be stylishly shaking your thang up until your water breaks.
And bitches, I know you work hard to look this good. But for the next year it’s either the body or the baby, not both. So ease up on the energy pill diet and the 15-hours-in-the gym-a-week and trade in fake-baking for spray-on, then break out the comfy clogs because we’re going shopping.
1) First off – beauty parlor business: I don’t care what you’re girlfriend thinks she remembers the health teacher saying, it IS okay to get manis, pedis, and color your hair during pregnancy. In fact, your hair will probably get shinier and fuller during this time, so iron away. Just don’t crimp. No one crimps anymore. Really. Unless you’re really low-rent, in which case for yo’ baby’s sake I suggest developing some self-respect.
2) Second – jewelry: all them bangles, chains, and earrings will still fit you, as will most piercings. Rings may pose a problem starting in the second trimester, but for the most part you will still be able to accessorize. Go you.
Okay, now on to actual clothes.
3) For you Lycra lovers – know that spandex will still fit. Although you’ll need to buy it anywhere from 1 to 3 sizes larger in order to tug it on over your expanding ass and belly - it will fit. So if you think you look good in spandex, you can keep on thinking that all the way through. Head on over to the active wear section of your favorite discount department store (it’s cheaper than Rave or Rue 21, I promise) and stock on up. A spandex addict’s maternity shopping is now done – congratulations.
4) If you’re a belly-barer then any top can be a maternity top. If you can tug it down over your boobs (or nipples, wherever you draw the give-it-away-for-free line) it fits. And the really good news is that even you A-frames can get rid of the falsies because you will develop cleavage. So let them necklines plunge! From tits up you will be sexier than you’ve ever been before (until your face gains weight, which leads me to another tip – now is not the time to cut your hair. You’ll need it for cammo later. Besides, re-read tip #1 in case you forgot it already). If you’re a belly-barer then congrats, your shopping is now half-done. Skip tip #5 and move to on the sections concerning bottom-wear.
5) If you’re not a belly barer – you’re still in luck, because as long as you’re willing to look like a hippie you can still find sexy tops. Old Navy is a great resource.
a. Or, if you can’t stand flower-children, then hit the Target/K-Mart/Marshall’s/Value City maternity or plus size evening-wear section and you’ll find something black and sparkly, I guarantee. If there’s no neckline go on and rip one in. Black and sparkly, combined with shiny lip gloss, is a skank-ho classic.
b. Or, if you can’t stand flower-children or those stupid, bitchy, black-wearing, lip-gloss abusing, boyfriend-stealing sluts, then try to find the plus sized section of your regular store. Okay, at Bebe you’ll be out of luck but T.J. Maxx has one, I promise. Don’t you tell me you don’t shop there, I know where you live. If you are shopping in the spring, summer, or around Christmas I guarantee you will find something either satin-y or with sequins, or both. If it’s fall or mid-winter then you might want to check the clearance rack for left-overs. You might be able to dig up something see-through, or maybe something with a cute/suggestive logo. Odds are good there is SOMEthing skankalicious in the racks, you just need to hunt for it.
c. If worse comes to absolute worse, you can always rely on tank tops, wife-beaters, camisoles, etc. Go crazy with these. Layer the cute one over the plain one. They even make special ones for knocked-up bitches that hyper-extend to cover your navel. You can wear these year-round, and when it’s cold out just throw on a normal sized shrug or half-sweater, or even a jacket if you’re a preppy ho.
6) Low rise pants will last until about month 6. You may need a larger size than normal, but they’ll fit. Just please, I beg you, if you’re doing the ‘rubber band through the button hole” trick, please please please don’t wear a half-shirt. Attitude can not make that look good. No, it can’t. No, it can’t.
7) Girl, make your peace with elastic. All the other knocked-up skank-hos are doing it too. Make your peace, so them bulimic bitches can’t blackmail you for it later. Word.
8) If you’ve mastered the art of wearing running/yoga pants, go on and stock up in size large (it’s the tag with the L on it) or even extra-large (the tag with the XL). You’ll even be wearing these post-pg, and they look good with tank tops (see tip #5). Even if you’re not normally down with the whole athletic thing, you might want to get one or two pairs (lots of them have extra zippers and rhinestones, I promise) just because they’re so comfortable. If you are gravely concerned about your rep as a princess, put them on with platform gym shoes and no one will think you actually run anywhere. But remember that not even Posh Spice would wear heels with these.
9) Jeans – the only option is low-rise stretch. Once these don’t fit anymore then you have to give up jeans, because there ain’t no maternity or plus-sized jeans that will look acceptably slutty. Sorry.
10) Skirts – cotton/spandex/poly blends will see you through pretty much the entire pregnancy. You hippies and romantics can wear the tiered/layered/billowy skirts they sell at H&M year-round. You exotics can fill up on sarongs and wrap-arounds. For all the rest of you, if you comb the junior’s section for either L or XL (if you don’t remember what those letters mean, re-read tip #8), or the plus-size section for whatever-the-hell fits you, you will likely find at least one decent skirt. I suggest buying it in as many different colors as available. And remember tip #7, and what I said about the elastic.
11) Dresses – obviously the right dress, coupled with your regular party time footwear, can go miles when you’re knocked up. Dresses are comfy, sexy, and easy to accessorize. Here is my one tip about dresses – you want something, if not the dress itself then a scarf, belt, or band – that snugs the dress UNDER your belly, as well as over. Without under-belly definition, you look like a tent. Pair a shapeless dress with a fringe-y belt and top it off with a cowboy hat and you’re practically Daisy Duke (well, if she put out). For more sophisticated skankdom, I suggest something with really stretchy/clingy fabric – a sweater dress can be perfect, if in season. As far as under-the-dress fashion, I suggest brightly colored lacy boy shorts. Far cuter than grannie panties, and just as comfy. I personally would forego the thong ‘cuz at 6 + months you’re probably sporting some cheesecake down there, but you do what you gotta do.
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And that’s it! Just 12 easy suggestions for maintaining ho-bag style while knocked up. Keep in mind, being a skank bey-otch is likely what got you pregnant in the first place, so now is not the time to abandon your style but instead to have it see you through until delivery. Good luck to you, and may you have a happy, healthy baby.
As far as creating “A Skank-ho’s Guide to Labor” – well, I’ll leave that to someone else.
Peace out.