A few years ago, a friend of mine told me about an online magazine started by someone he knew. After a few issues I decided to -oh-why-not-write-something-for-it. A lot of what I, um, created never should have seen the light of day but I did pillage one or two not-completely-cringe-inducing things for The Rose Room. The following is an example of a younger me thinking I'm wildly funny and original - I needed a submission for the week and created a 'Letters to the Editor' section. I hope you find it half as amusing as I did.
Oh yes, names have been changed to protect the participants.
- < *** > -
Letters to The 'Dine
Little do my fellow 'diners know, but we receive all sorts of letters.
But, because I am a mischievous email addict, I have routed the Sardine
address into my own mailbox, and have been hoarding these missives for
months. I think that this week would be a good time to respond to some of
them. Here we go.
-*-*-
Dear Sardine staff,
I really appreciate your e-zine and think you all are doing a bang-up job.
I look forward to receiving each week's issue and think the three of you
have a lot of wit, intelligence, and insight.
- A fan
Dear A. Fan,
First of all, your parents have a really odd sense of humor.
Second of all, you are obviously a severely sick individual with way too
much time on your hands. I would suspect one of my co-authors of
typing this himself BUT I know it can't be either one of them as everyone
on staff knows there are FOUR members of the Sardine: Ani, Nick, Matt,
and Matt's ego. Ani's koosh ball sometimes serves in a
consulting fashion but that's it. So, whoever you are, seek help because
your condition is most likely treatable, and find someone to marry whose
last name is not a noun.
-acr
*
Dear Nick, Matt, and Ani,
So - what is wrong with you three? Especially this same wavelength
crap you sometimes pull? Like the 'everybody says goodbye to their
departing friends' issue? What up with that? And why are you always
so damn depressing? My dog can write better crap than you guys.
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Hey - thanks for your submission dude! Clever of you to disguise your
rant about the meaning of life as a letter to the staff of this
inconsequential e-zine in this tiny corner of the electronic universe. I
can really tell where you're coming from and I want you to know I am so
there with you, man. And your closing line which centers around the dog
(which we all know is just 'god' backwards) - classic. Thanks again for
talking to us and we'll give careful thought to whether or not this can be
worked into our next theme issue.
-acr
*
Dear Sardine members,
Um, like, I was wondering what you all look like? Like, are you cute?
Who is the cutest? Do you three ever, like, sit around and try to figure
out who's cutest or who's the least cute? Also, are you ever going to
write about stuff that's, like, cute? Just wondering.
- inquisitive kitten
Dear Kitten,
Perhaps I should have let Matt handle this one. Nah.
To answer your question - that would depend on the influences you are
under at any given moment. From my experience working at a cafe next
door to a half-way house, I know I look pretty good to inmates who have
tempered their various prescriptions with large amounts of nicotine and
caffeine. Take one of those elements away, and I lose my golden shine.
If you're a Guinness drinker OR the type of person who just gets high on
life OR a youngster - like, say, just under voting age, Matt is pretty
dreamy. Matt's particular talent is that he looks just as good at a two
foot distance, ten foot distance, and 50 foot distance, but go past 100
feet and he starts getting a little blurry. And I'm not even talking
about when the lights come on - woah. Or - ahem - so I've heard.
Finally, if you're into vodka, catnip, nutmeg, or white-out, you'll want
to turn your attentions toward our dear Nick. If you can find him, that
is - he's mysterious and likes to lurk in corners and hide under the
dashboard. But once you coax him out and you'll find he's pretty
striking. As in - he'll hit you, so be careful. Or so I've heard.
- acr
-*-*-
And that's all we have room for today. I'll turn to more letters as
space/time permits. Thanks for your input, everyone! Keep it up!
--love and kisses, Ani
- < * * * > -
If you want to leave me/The Rose Room an actual, honest-to-goodness letter, please visit the poem Encounter, the keeper of the guestbook.
Posted by acr at March 14, 2004 07:07 PM | TrackBack